Wanting to care I can’t:
Keep busy they say
You aren’t trying hard enough
So-and-so’s life is much worse than yours
Why can’t you be more like other people?
If you loved God you wouldn’t feel this way.
They are so right. So I keep busy; I hike, I drive a friend to and fro, I take a child to the zoo.
And I pray. I ask God to take this terrible indifference from me.
Only then do strange tears come.
I cry so hard I can’t see the Bible to read.
I wish I knew why I cried. If I did then maybe I could do something different.
As evening draws close and I swelter in the 82 degree house I find myself plotting how to kill myself.
No. I say. No. I will not do it.
I wonder now is this a trial?
Somehow I don’t think so. It must be the consequence of sin.
So I renew my cry to God. Tell me my sin and I will repent.
I will shout it from the mountaintop so the world will know.
But he doesn’t answer me.
But I feel his presence. What does he want?
The only thing I want is to give him that.