The Incessant Chatter

It’s funny, I go about my life taking care of myself and my dogs.  I go to church and bible study and work in the kitchen to help prepare the communal meal every Sunday.  I have even taken a job looking after a 91-year-old woman a few hours a week and like doing it. 

My house is clean.  I have food of sorts in my house. I don’t owe anyone a debt and I pay my bills on time.  Most mornings I hike in the foothills with my dogs for over an hour to give us exercise and help my mental state.  My guess is that I would be called a highly functioning adult.

Yet I have this fairly constant whisper in the back of mind that I am going to kill myself.  It is something I think about many times a day.  Sometimes I shut the voice up with the promise, “OK, I’ll kill myself this fall.”  

While I care deeply about others I can’t get close to anyone. I guess that isn’t too hard to figure out since my husband killed himself two years ago.  My final arrangements have already been made and paid for. There are no funeral arrangements since I have no family or close friends.

My dogs are what really deter me emotionally.   Would my plans for their care happen as I planned or would they wind up in the pound, frightened and eventually put down?

Not desecrating the life God has given me with suicide deters me spiritually and intellectually.  I pray as deeply as I can and I study the Bible.  While I pray I feel close to God but the whispers sometimes continue even then.

It is my suspicion that the people who know me best never dream that I am thinking about suicide most of the time.  In fact sometimes the thoughts are so insistent that I can’t really focus on conversation.  But I put on an interested expression and let the other party talk and no one suspects.

Medication doesn’t work.  It makes it worse.  I frustrate the doctors and psychologists and they quickly lose interest since they really can’t seem to help.  How many times have I been to a therapist or shrink in the last year and a half?  Often their solution it to have the police pick me up and take me to the hospital for a psych evaluation and then I am released with a referral to see a shrink.  So now I don’t go to the doctor or the shrink.  

This post has been all about me.  I know there is a greater world out there and I hate the fact that I am so self absorbed.  I do care about the future of our nation, about the persecuted Christians throughout the world, about hunger and children dying.  In fact the hopelessness of these issues when I think of them keeps me from reading and listening to the news since it increases the chatter.

I don’t know what to do.

9 thoughts on “The Incessant Chatter

  1. My dear blog friend – Since you are a Christian, who knows Jesus Christ as you Savior, I can talk to you as my sister. I know you will understand. I can tell you what I have did, when as desperate as I sense you are. I wasn’t suicidal. I have depression issues – very bad depression. For some reason, suicide hasn’t been as big a problem as it is for you. But, I have been as desperate, desperate about sin, as you are about suicide – although I am definitely not putting my sin in the same category as your fight against suicide. They are two different things entirely but their source is the same. You are fighting satan whispering lies to you. I was fighting satan whispering lies to me. This is how God lead me to handle satan. I went in my bedroom, laid on my bed and talked out loud to Jesus, like one talks to a therapist. (I spoke out loud because when depressed, prayer is hard to internalize.) I told Him the whole ugly story from beginning to end. (My sin was ugly. Your depression is not ugly. It is illness. Depression is very difficult but it is not ugly.) You also need to tell Jesus, if you haven’t already, your whole story from beginning to end – all the therapists, all the drugs that didn’t work, all the advice that didn’t work, the whole thing. He knows it all but tell Him anyway. He wants to hear all about it because He loves you so much. I prayed for a long time. When I finished I picked up a devotional and started reading the scripture. I could tell God had heard me. The scripture I read assured me He had heard me. After that I had power, God-given power, to resist the sin that before I nearly drowned in. I had been delivered. A few months later the source of my temptation was taken out of my life. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I still tell God thank-you! That was over a year ago now. Just recently however the lies of Satan started again. And I had to renew the fight again. But like James says, Resist the devil and he will flee from you. I am again resisting the same temptation in the strength of God. I have little strength on my own. In Christ I can fight and the thoughts leave me. Perhaps this is God’s purpose for this renewed fight. All that I’m writing may have been so out of my memory otherwise, I may not have remembered the desperation I hear in your blog. I think my comment may be longer than your blog!!! I will sign off, praying with you, that God by His Merciful Son Jesus, will deliver you and that you will have the strength to fight the enemy of your soul.

  2. My dear blog-friend. Last night I left an overly long reply that didn’t save. I’ll try again, shortening it. I understand your desperation. I’ve been in the same place, not with suicidal thoughts but with sin – not the same thing, although the desperation is the same because the source is the same – satan. He whispers lies. I recognize the pattern. It is incessant – good word for it. It also wears us down so that we do the thing we never intended to do. The only answer is found in going to Jesus in lengthy, completely honest prayer. Tell Him everything from beginning to end, as one would a therapist, as you did in this blog. Perhaps you could read this blog or several blogs out loud as a prayer to Jesus. (Pray out loud because depression makes internalized prayer difficult.) In doing this you’ll be throwing yourself and this struggle to God. He has helped me, I KNOW He can help you. I was delivered from my sin. That is, I was given God-given strength to resist satan effectively to the point that I overcame the temptation. “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” Thing is, we have to resist in God’s strength, ours is not enough.That was over a year ago. Just recently the thoughts have returned. I’ve had to renew the fight in God’s strength, won in Jesus’ victory over death, sin, and satan, when Jesus died and rose again. I will pray with you, as you pray for yourself. “When two or three agree on a matter it will be done.” That is my paraphrase. 🙂 We are separated by space but not in heart. God will hear. I have seen Him do this for me. He can do it for you. We will pray til God hears. So keep me posted on how things are going.

  3. Dear sister in Jesus, beloved by Him and the Father and the Holy Spirit forever,
    I am close to tears as I read your post. The struggle you face every day because of this incessant chatter in your mind! My first thought was of what the Buddhists call the “monkey mind,” the mind that won’t settle down. My second was a memory of some monkeys that had settled in a missionary compound I visited in India – they weren’t part of the mission, they didn’t belong there, but they had taken up residence and acted like they owned the place.
    I think the same is true of these chattering thoughts that are pestering you. They aren’t part of you – I don’t believe that our gracious Lord who gave you life, who was with you every moment to form you in your mother’s womb and has been guiding you and watching you like a loving shepherd your whole life, would have made these chattering monkey-thoughts a part of you. They don’t belong to you. But they act like they own you, and have taken over every part of your life.
    You are probably right that medications may not help. I think only Jesus can help. I think our friend lbkennett is on the right track. I would also encourage you to try to bring to mind your favorite picture of Jesus – the one you love to look at, the one that seems most peaceful, the one that you feel the most comfortable about. Maybe it’s an actual picture; maybe it’s just the way you’ve imagined Him. Imagine that this picture is not just a picture, but that it is the living, real Jesus, and that you are in the picture with Him. Tell all your struggles to this Jesus, as our friend suggests, and listen to what He says to you. I know that He loves you with a love that is beyond our imagination; I know that He weeps over your tears and your struggle; I know that you are so precious to Him that He gave Himself for you, and continues to give you Himself in the Eucharist all the time, to let you know how precious you are to Him. Talk to Him and listen to Him whenever this chatter is too loud.
    In the meantime, I keep you in my prayers as well. You are my sister in Christ whom I have not met yet, but there is more. I am also a pastor, and so I can say these things freely, too: As a called and ordained servant of Jesus, and by His authority, I tell you that all your sins are forgiven in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. And in His authority I bless you with this blessing:
    The Lord bless you and keep you.
    The Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you.
    The Lord lift up His countenance upon you (or, “drop everything else He’s doing to pay attention to you”), and give you peace.

    Peace to you, and the love of Jesus, my sister

  4. Hello, I stumbled across this blog while looking through posts on another blog site. Reading through the comments that have been placed here and having talked to and seen evidence of lives transformed by the principles written in the Bible I felt that I should post a reply to you.

    First of all, let me say that no-one wants to live in darkness yet we all contend with its effects every day. Many Christians struggle for years because they have never been given practical tools for contending with and overcoming the darkness. Yet Jesus said without reservation that He is ‘The Light’.

    Here are a few things that I would suggest that you pray about and consider:-

    1. It begins at home – What we watch and what we listen to impact how we think and can also open doors that remain open until we close them. This is one of the reasons my wife and I always encourage people to change what they feed their minds with.

    Create at atmosphere in your home that invites God and His presence. This is not as super spiritual as it sounds…We have added music to our website which will allow you to play worship music for hours one end. (This is not a sales pitch). Follow this link –

    2. Cover your mind with the Bible every day. Derek Prince speaks about his experience on this matter as he went through years of depression as Christian preacher but one received deliverance. Many preachers through the centuries have also experienced similar.

    3. Submit to the process. I believe God is able to give immediate deliverance but remember this, it was once said, “miracles are instantaneous but healing takes time.”

    What you may be experiencing seems to indicate that these are forces set to ‘oppress’ you i.e. they do not own you, they can only come ‘at’ you. You can reject them.

    Finally, I would like to send you a copy of a book that I have just written. It will be in a pdf format, if you would like a copy send a message through the contacts form on the music website that I posted earlier.

    Be blessed and may the love and grace of Yeshua (Jesus) cover your mind, heart and inner being.

    Your brother


    • Hi – Thanks for your concern. I haven’t been posting after I reread my posts it seems like whining. I appreciate so much your words of encouragement and what you are doing for persecuted Christians throughout the world. I am supporting your organization and it is an honor to do so.

      Unfortunately I seem to take a step forward and two steps back. I am sure that in some way I am not thinking correctly but I can’t figure out how to correct it. PTSD is a difficult condition and since I don’t tolerate anti-depressants I haven’t yet figured out how to go forward. How are you? I think of you often and hope you are healing.

  5. You have received alot of advice, much of it I believe is very good advice. If I could please allow me to remind you of one thing. Your blog is a comfort and inspiration to many who are facing the same type of trials as you. As I read some of your previous postings I can see where you are being a REAL help to others. The Lord has placed you in a very unique postion to be able to understand and reach out to others in a very special way. The Lord is using you my dear friend. May the Lord bless you, comfort you, and show you how you are being used for his glory..

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