It’s funny, I go about my life taking care of myself and my dogs. I go to church and bible study and work in the kitchen to help prepare the communal meal every Sunday. I have even taken a job looking after a 91-year-old woman a few hours a week and like doing it.
My house is clean. I have food of sorts in my house. I don’t owe anyone a debt and I pay my bills on time. Most mornings I hike in the foothills with my dogs for over an hour to give us exercise and help my mental state. My guess is that I would be called a highly functioning adult.
Yet I have this fairly constant whisper in the back of mind that I am going to kill myself. It is something I think about many times a day. Sometimes I shut the voice up with the promise, “OK, I’ll kill myself this fall.”
While I care deeply about others I can’t get close to anyone. I guess that isn’t too hard to figure out since my husband killed himself two years ago. My final arrangements have already been made and paid for. There are no funeral arrangements since I have no family or close friends.
My dogs are what really deter me emotionally. Would my plans for their care happen as I planned or would they wind up in the pound, frightened and eventually put down?
Not desecrating the life God has given me with suicide deters me spiritually and intellectually. I pray as deeply as I can and I study the Bible. While I pray I feel close to God but the whispers sometimes continue even then.
It is my suspicion that the people who know me best never dream that I am thinking about suicide most of the time. In fact sometimes the thoughts are so insistent that I can’t really focus on conversation. But I put on an interested expression and let the other party talk and no one suspects.
Medication doesn’t work. It makes it worse. I frustrate the doctors and psychologists and they quickly lose interest since they really can’t seem to help. How many times have I been to a therapist or shrink in the last year and a half? Often their solution it to have the police pick me up and take me to the hospital for a psych evaluation and then I am released with a referral to see a shrink. So now I don’t go to the doctor or the shrink.
This post has been all about me. I know there is a greater world out there and I hate the fact that I am so self absorbed. I do care about the future of our nation, about the persecuted Christians throughout the world, about hunger and children dying. In fact the hopelessness of these issues when I think of them keeps me from reading and listening to the news since it increases the chatter.
I don’t know what to do.