The outlines of why I am still here are beginning to take shape. First of all, when my husband killed himself I had lost my faith in God and in his Christ. The slow descent into madness by my husband had filled me with a sense of failure and hopelessness. It has taken almost two years for God to restore my faith and for me to realize that I wasn’t the main character in this story. Neither was my husband. This is a story about God and his goodness to us.
At 70, the age I was when my husband died I could see no reason to go on. On some days it still seems like nothing so much as surviving one day after another. But now I know that God is on this walk with me. I can worship him and call upon him and he is there. His Word has become the center of my life in a way that it never was before. The Bible is alive with God’s voice speaking to me. He shows me the way, but only one step at a time.
When I wonder about my future: Will I get Alzheimer’s disease? Will I wind up alone with no one to visit in a nursing home? I just put it in God’s hands. If these things happen then God will take care of it. He will give me the courage to face it and he will face it with me so I don’t need to worry. And if to other people I seem to have no dignity, I will know that in the eyes of God I do have dignity, the dignity of trusting him.
When I was suicidal it was because I felt I couldn’t face the future. It was so bleak. But now I know that God is pleased to tell a story with my life and my obedience pleases him. Finally I have grown up enough to know that the esteem of man means nothing and the pleasure of God in my life freely given up for him is the only dignity I care about.
In the course of my husband’s illness, I lost financial security, social standing and the respect of many. But compared with what I gained, I along with Paul can say I count it as nothing compared to pleasure of the God whom I want to please.
So, to answer the question of why I am here I can say that it is because it pleases God to have me here. Maybe he can touch the lives of others through my life. I don’t know. But I do know that for now he wants me right where I am, doing what I am doing. The important thing is why I do it. And the only valid reason is that I do it for the love of God who loved me first.
I invite your comments on my journey through suicide to meaning. Please let me know about your journeys, they encourage me.