Why am I Still Here?


My Walk With God

The outlines of why I am still here are beginning to take shape. First of all, when my husband killed himself I had lost my faith in God and in his Christ. The slow descent into madness by my husband had filled me with a sense of failure and hopelessness. It has taken almost two years for God to restore my faith and for me to realize that I wasn’t the main character in this story. Neither was my husband. This is a story about God and his goodness to us.
At 70, the age I was when my husband died I could see no reason to go on. On some days it still seems like nothing so much as surviving one day after another. But now I know that God is on this walk with me. I can worship him and call upon him and he is there. His Word has become the center of my life in a way that it never was before. The Bible is alive with God’s voice speaking to me. He shows me the way, but only one step at a time.
When I wonder about my future: Will I get Alzheimer’s disease? Will I wind up alone with no one to visit in a nursing home? I just put it in God’s hands. If these things happen then God will take care of it. He will give me the courage to face it and he will face it with me so I don’t need to worry. And if to other people I seem to have no dignity, I will know that in the eyes of God I do have dignity, the dignity of trusting him.
When I was suicidal it was because I felt I couldn’t face the future. It was so bleak. But now I know that God is pleased to tell a story with my life and my obedience pleases him. Finally I have grown up enough to know that the esteem of man means nothing and the pleasure of God in my life freely given up for him is the only dignity I care about.
In the course of my husband’s illness, I lost financial security, social standing and the respect of many. But compared with what I gained, I along with Paul can say I count it as nothing compared to pleasure of the God whom I want to please.
So, to answer the question of why I am here I can say that it is because it pleases God to have me here. Maybe he can touch the lives of others through my life. I don’t know. But I do know that for now he wants me right where I am, doing what I am doing. The important thing is why I do it. And the only valid reason is that I do it for the love of God who loved me first.
I invite your comments on my journey through suicide to meaning. Please let me know about your journeys, they encourage me.

8 thoughts on “Why am I Still Here?

  1. I think the answer to that question is the same for all of us when we really get to the root of things. I’ve often tried to pin my meaning to other things in life, even Godly, worthy things like being a mother, but in the end all of these “jobs” pass and we are ultimately here for Him.

    But I appreciate your honest and thought-provoking posts. The are a blessing and an encouragement to me, and I’m glad you’re here.

  2. I am going to think about this, before I comment. So many things to contemplate here. I only know this, I am so glad I ran into your blog. God will bring those who need this blog, to it and you. There is someone right now who needs this story. Maybe even me! God Bless, SR

  3. I have sort of a private take on a section of Chapter 5 of Ephesians, where the Apostle is talking of those things which are shameful to even speak about.

    I say it is private, because there is lots of room for me to be wrong, as the words move through different translations. But your post, and the whole of your blog illustrates in the poetry of reality what I am trying to grasp with the dullness of prose –

    I understand Paul to say that those things “done in darkness” may be brought to the light. When brought to that light, they are “enlightened” and they become light. That is the kicker…
    These things, these “shameful” things done in darkness, are redeemed so that they become light themselves!

    Your path, as you have brought it both to the light of public exposure –in this blog, and to the true Light of the Holy Presence (and I’m not at all sure you can do one without the other!) are demonstrating well that redemptive quality of divine love. He doesn’t accept us, after trimming off the bad bits; rather He reforms what we understand as “our bad bits” and transforms them into the very light of His love.

    Thus, your story is available –and transformed into the Light of God, that it can itself enlighten dark places that others may experience.

    And it really doesn’t need my somewhat long-winded explanation – the thing itself is far more real, far more apparent, and far more lovely, than any poor words of mine can tell!

    Blessings!
    -Eric

  4. Thank you so much for this post. I’m facing a lot of uncertainty in life, and what you’ve described…it’s the way I want to approach God and life. But it can be so daunting and seeing proof that someone else can gives me extra courage, too.

    • That is incredibly kind of you to offer 🙂 For me things are getting brighter/clearer – just learning to carry my cross, I’m still . I think your blog is definitely a gift to many who will come across it in their time of need – whether for themselves or to help them be more compassionate to friends/family who are going through these issues.

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