God Is A Better Blogger Than I Am

An interesting thing has happened since I started this blog. I have had to face my own suicidal impulses in front of the world so to speak. For example I would start a blog on resources for someone who is coping with suicide. But in the background I would be talking with God about why I am feeling suicidal. Finally I would stop the blog I was writing and write about the conversation I was having with God. There have been several breakthroughs with this technique. First I discovered that I needed to move both my home but especially my church. I found that I wasn’t getting what I needed in either of those situations. Once I made the decision to move the suicidal thoughts left me and haven’t come back. I don’t think the thoughts will come back because since moving to a new church I realize that the lack of nourishment in my original church really made me feel unwanted and unfed. This is nobody’s fault but my own. My unwillingness to face that I needed to make a big change and leave behind what little support I had left me clinging to my old church and unwilling to move on. God used this blog to help me see it.

Yesterday I was blogging on prayer and suicidal thoughts and I sensed my heart wasn’t in it even though it is the central issue for people facing this problem. I stopped the blog and opened a new screen and knew I needed to write honestly about the rage that had come on me in the last few days. I felt deeply ashamed of the rage and though I didn’t want to write about it I felt God was urging me on. I prayed as I wrote, just telling about the rage.

Suddenly an answer materialized as I wrote. That I was in a rage at a former therapist whom I felt deserted me when I needed him most. God gave me that missing and vital piece of information. I had no idea that was the source of my rage. As I continued to write about the situation I kept blaming the therapist but God kept calling me back to my accountability in the situation. From my perspective the therapist let me down but how I chose to use it was up to me. God wouldn’t let me off the hook. Finally I wrote “it is what it is” and the rage fell from me. I am not accountable to the therapist and he is not accountable to me. I could let go of the situation and by the grace of God I did. The rage that was pushing me to kill myself fell from me like a cloak from the shoulders.

Unfortunately I published the blog last night instead of waiting until this morning and re-reading it. In it I said that the therapist is not a good man. I can’t know that. That isn’t even my experience of the man. I don’t know why he did what he did. It may have been with the kindest of motives which I can’t even imagine.

So I ask all of you who read that blog to forgive me for saying the therapist was not a good man. I was not being a good Christian when I published that.

3 thoughts on “God Is A Better Blogger Than I Am

  1. God bless you for your courage to hold yourself accountable! I truly relate to your situation!

  2. I picked you up on another blog and I had to come see your blog. This is really a brave thing you are doing. I also thank you for it for those who at one time or the other, or even now are going through the same. I am sure God is going to use this situation and you to help many. I am sure many will be brought across your path. As far as the new Church, sometimes change for us is the best thing. We must go to where we feel we are being lead to. God Bless, SR

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