Self-Absorption and Suicide

Yesterday suicide whispered in my ear until I fell into an exhausted sleep. Today the thoughts are an indistinct murmuring in the back of my mind waiting for an unguarded moment when they can rise up and seize my being. You see, the very fact that I must be constantly mindful makes me self-absorbed. If I could simply drift from activity to activity without being watchful perhaps I could forget myself for a few moments.

The best advice I have gotten is to pray. Not to ask God to remove the thoughts that he has chosen to give me but to thank him for the thoughts. Really? So I’ve been told by Fr. Patrick Henry Reardon. I’m doing it, when I remember to and it does have the advantage of surprising the thoughts. They simply don’t know what to make of this. In a way it reminds me of Paul in Romans 12:20 “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” The suicidal thoughts seem confused by my thanking God for them which heaps these particular coals on their heads.

The wish to commit suicide is in part a response to the self-absorption. I am just tired of myself. God please give me some rest. Professionals and others have given me advice on how to handle these thoughts. The things that have worked for me are prayer as described above and keeping myself occupied especially physically. I love to hike and do so often. I do some volunteering, go at art shows and an occasional concert.

The one piece of advice that hasn’t worked out so well is being connected to people. Go to activities with other people etc. I kept feeling like no one liked me then I realized that the problem was me. I didn’t like them. Not so much that I didn’t like them as we just had nothing in common. I find most social activities boring. Especially parties. Times of getting together for its own sake. So I have decided to just do the things I like alone. This is an admirable solution in that I don’t bore others and I am not bored. Perhaps I will meet people who genuinely like the same things I do and that would truly be a blessing.

Thank you again for your many comments and helpful suggestions. Please if you have time look at the comments I got on my last two blogs. These people are hurting and took the time to care about another person. It let’s me know that God is truly active in this world.

7 thoughts on “Self-Absorption and Suicide

  1. Being connected to people may not be at parties for you. Maybe your connections to people are through your blog here where you can reach out to other people who may face simliar difficulties and help them to feel less alone. I will pray for you as well. And in doing things on your own, perhaps you will be able to find peace in nature and the glory God has given us.

    • Dear Chryllynn – I really like your point about the blog being a connection to people. I hadn’t thought of that before and somehow I find it very comforting. Let’s pray for each other that we will find peace in God. Blessing to you for your kindness.

  2. Michelle there is so much wisdom in this post!
    You know, after I gave my little schpiel yesterday, I thought I am about like a middle school kid, who having run off a couple of bullies that were tormenting him, suddenly comes upon a war-weary soldier back from his second combat tour in Iraq, and thinks he is experienced enough to offer advice. (actually, I should have said “Afghanistan” but I can’t spell it.).

    You have hit the nail on the head, at least for me. Sometimes I wonder if it happens because I never learned to take the kind of interest in other people that would be the natural antidote for this, but again, that is self analysis and self absorption. I use to find it odd that I can remember the plot of repeats on TV shows very easily –but the names of the characters? not even the major ones, not even on shows we would watch every week.

    But I hear two ideas you presented:

    1) thinking about my life is dull, boring and depressing –I should probably think about something else. This is of huge value to me, right now, today. Thank you.


    2) However I got this way, I may be able to deal with it, but it is the way my personality works, and I probably won’t change it very much. Therefore, since my faith tells all things come ultimately from God’s hand, how can this become gift? And for whom?

    I should sit at your feet for a while.

    As for people, I do force myself to get out amongst ‘em. I don’t always want to talk; no, I seldom want to talk! but sitting on a bench with my coffee and book, people-watching occasionally, seems a reasonable half-way step. I also like to mess around with a camera, not much on portraits, (too people-involved there!) but I have been part of a photo club where we would hear a presentation, and the leader would show pictures that had been sent to him. I could stay or skip the social hour as suited. That was a nice solitary activity, that had a low demand social activity built in. I need to find another one.
    Both are very low-risk –besides, I look smart when I am quiet, no one has to know! And I feel very much in control. Anyway, works for me, and seems important.

    Love today’s entry Michelle!
    -Blessings! (and do know that you are in my prayers, as I ask for yours)
    R. Eric Sawyer

  3. Thank you for your post, as a Christian with bipolar disorder I struggle to fit in and stay involved during what are, at times, extreme periods of depression. My friends who know are very well-meaning and try hard to help me stay engaged socially, but it’s just not always right for me. Prayers for you (and others here)!

    • Thank you friend. My husband was bi-polar and I know that it is a battle to stay involved but it is important to do so. Please know that I care for you and will pray for you. Jesus didn’t come to the healthy he came to the sick so I think that you and I have him in a very special way.

  4. Pingback: PICTURE THIS « curvyelviesays

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