Today I took a 6-year-old to the Bio-Park here in Albuquerque. We had a great time and I felt the experience was important. Yet when I got home I immediately thought of suicide.
My thoughts go along these lines. I am tired of living. I feel I have lived too long and my life no longer has meaning. Ok, Christ died for me in order that I might live in right relation with God. If I believe my life is important to God then it must be important to me. But it isn’t. I don’t mean to be ungrateful but I can’t find meaning in my life. In individual moments, yes. Being comforting to a neglected child; talking with a stranger and having a spark of contact, laughing with a young person, reading the Bible. Yes these things have meaning but it is only at the moment. As soon as the moment is over I feel dead.
Ok, I am depressed but the pills don’t work and the mental health community has no integrity and I would never again seek their help.
The religious community isn’t much help since they just don’t know what to do. I embarrass them. The best help I have is a friend who listens to me or reads my blogs and doesn’t say much. I know she prays for me.
I’m back to Job. A trial by God is the only thing that can give this experience meaning. It doesn’t make me want to live but it says maybe I can endure. Maybe God will let this end. Oh yes, and I try to praise God for my sufferings which seems like the craziest part of it all at the moment.
If you have any ideas which might help, please post them.