Job Again


Suicidal thoughts are usually accompanied by depression, but not always. I often feel tired of life and would just like to fold my tent and go home.

Today I took a 6-year-old to the Bio-Park here in Albuquerque. We had a great time and I felt the experience was important. Yet when I got home I immediately thought of suicide.

My thoughts go along these lines. I am tired of living. I feel I have lived too long and my life no longer has meaning. Ok, Christ died for me in order that I might live in right relation with God. If I believe my life is important to God then it must be important to me. But it isn’t. I don’t mean to be ungrateful but I can’t find meaning in my life. In individual moments, yes. Being comforting to a neglected child; talking with a stranger and having a spark of contact, laughing with a young person, reading the Bible. Yes these things have meaning but it is only at the moment. As soon as the moment is over I feel dead.

Ok, I am depressed but the pills don’t work and the mental health community has no integrity and I would never again seek their help.

The religious community isn’t much help since they just don’t know what to do. I embarrass them. The best help I have is a friend who listens to me or reads my blogs and doesn’t say much. I know she prays for me.

I’m back to Job. A trial by God is the only thing that can give this experience meaning. It doesn’t make me want to live but it says maybe I can endure. Maybe God will let this end. Oh yes, and I try to praise God for my sufferings which seems like the craziest part of it all at the moment.

If you have any ideas which might help, please post them.

10 thoughts on “Job Again

  1. Dear Christina, I am here for you and I will pray for you, as I also feel like I am suffering from depression. I do not have suicidal thoughts, but I also get discouraged by life and feel that it is very meaningless even though I am devoted Christian, I have faith, hope, and try to read the bible everyday. I need to surround myself with more Christian people so that I do not feel alone, but like you said that once you are alone again the depression sets in.

    I will pray for you so that you do not continue to have these suicidal thoughts, it saddens me that you feel this way.

    Here to listen,
    Monica

    • Dear Monica,

      I’m sorry to hear about your depression. Meaninglessness is the most difficult thing to suffer in life. It’s peculiar how we Christians can have the feeling of meaninglessness yet intellectually we understand our faith and yes we do pray.
      Your response was comforting. Knowing you are praying for me really helps and I am glad to surround myself with Christians like you.
      By the way my name is Michelle.
      Please keep in touch.

      Michelle

  2. There is clearly a need for trained Christian therapists, counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. Depression is simply not understood well; I have a bi-polar sister and while I don’t pretend to fully understand what she has gone through, I know she suffers, and meds/therapy do not always work. It can be a daily struggle. I also think that many people — whether Christians or not — just have no idea what to say or how to be supportive. I suffered from postpartum depression twice, and I know it was very real. I thank God that we can vent to Him, that we can express our feelings to Him, and that He is always with us as Scripture says (Deuteronomy 31:8; Matthew 28:20). I pray that more research will be done so that we can get more solutions, and I also pray that more and more people will realize depression is something we should be addressing, and not just turning our backs and pretending it is someone else’s problem. As Christians, we should be the Body of Christ on Earth, and we should be ministering to those in need.

  3. I know this sounds cliche’ but Jesus really is the answer. My father became very ill almost 2 years ago; he should have died but God saved his life. I fell apart. Thinking I would handle that day much better than I did, 3 months later I found myself admitting I wasn’t coping. Dad is doing great and God has proven to me he is the key; Jesus dying for us releases us from the world’s mess. It is a process but for me spending time alone with God, praying, reading his word which is key to getting this has changed my life and especially how I think. It works.

  4. WOW, all this sooo hits home. In Jan 2012 my only child who was my life for 25y supposedly shot herself in the head. There was another individual here and the police believe he contributed but do not have the proof. Since then I too have had feelings of hopelessness and now what am I supposed to do? My husband died 6y ago as well and I feel alone. All my friends I did have down here are no longer my friends. It is like I do not exist.
    I miss her so bad and want to go see her on the other side but would not do that to my only grandchild she left behind. There were absolutely no signs of her feeling this way. The day before she wrote in her journal how happy the baby made her feel. So this was all quite a shock to me.
    Glad to know there are other ppl out there who feel the same
    Kellie

    • Kelly,

      I am sorry to hear about your daughter’s suicide. The circumstances of her death are so tragic and recent. My heart aches for you and so little time has passed since you lost your daughter. While trying to make sense of this trajedy may leave you confused and vulnerable to despair it does help to remember that God knows and His heart aches for you. While the sorrow will never leave I believe you can learn to live with it while you find other meaning in your life particularly your grandchild. I will pray for you. Please keep in touch with me. I care about you and would like to help in any way I can.
      Michele

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